Hello there!
I've decided to make a little list of simple, perhaps logically meaningless goals for the present future, but they are meaningful to me.
Due to my depression, I have been sleeping more than I would like, while also feeling incredibly tired during the day.
I haven't been eating very much.
I haven't been doing much of anything, really, being unable to find the determination to do them, so maybe this will help!
So on with the list!:
- I would like to start getting up earlier. Now, I've never been an early bird--night owl all the way! For all my life it's been this way, so when I say early I don't mean anything crazy. I got into a habit, that has of course since crashed and burned, of waking up at nine. It was a start, and I found I really loved the quiet of the morning when I could write or listen to music. I'd really enjoy trying that again.
- I would like to start exercising. Because of my Heart Condition, I can't go for runs or do any ridiculously tiring exercises as I originally would have liked, though I can start doing Yoga and going on walks and one day perhaps build up to that. So I need to start building!
- I would like to start learning French. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, and I started the first lesson a long time ago only to have it pushed to the back when life got incredibly busy. No more! I'd really love to get started on it!
- I would like to start looking better. And by this I mean I've been wearing really lazy clothes, even out in public, and I've not even bothered to brush my hair half the time. So I'd like to start wearing more of my dresses, actually doing something with my hair.
- I would like to start taking better care of myself. This is one of the things the Doctor told me to do, and it's been hard for me. I realized that it was hard to list off things I liked about myself, and that I was not gentle with myself. I am not careful when I'm brushing my hair or washing my face or brushing my teeth, I am actually quite the opposite. I don't take the time to treat myself correctly. I also would like to start eating healthier, such as fruits and vegetables, because I like them just fine, I just don't eat them.
- I would like to start doing more of what I love. Yesterday I painted for the first time in quite a long time. Granted, I only used my fingers, but I listened to a song that reminded me of a sunset, and sure enough that's what appeared in front of me. I didn't actually know what I was painting--I just saw pinks and reds and oranges and I was so happy that I actually could imagine it in my head. It's been some time since I've been able to do that. So I would like to continue painting, sketching, writing. I have this new idea for a story, but haven't started it yet because I'm still brainstorming. Perhaps I'm just procrastinating?
- I would really like to Pray more often. I do Pray, but of course this has been a trying time in my life and it was very difficult at times, and still is. Not that I am angry at God, or I am stubborn--it just seems to slip my mind, and I absolutely hate it. So I'd like to start reading my Bible more, Praying more, ect.
- I would like to embrace life more. Clearly, I haven't been doing that, nor had the will to do that. But I would like to. I have a wonderful life with wonderful opportunities and experiences yet to be had, and I would like to be brave and excited through it all. I don't know at all what my future holds, but it's up to me how I handle it!
- I would really like to love myself more. I don't often. Sometimes I numbly think my hair looks pretty, or my eyes, or those freckles on my hands. But often I forget who I am, what I look like, how I am special. Anyone can write or paint or draw, right?
True, but no one can possibly do it how I can.
Besides, no one can think how I think, imagine what I imagine, or act how I act. No one can be me, so why shouldn't I?
Maybe I wish I wasn't so thin and maybe I wish my nose wasn't as round as it is and maybe I wish my teeth weren't quite so crooked. But none of this matters if my soul shines brightly enough.
And it hasn't been, so I've noticed these things. I've obsessed over these stupid, meaningless things like they were actually important to anyone. It was just me--just me focusing on the bad, unable to see the point of it all, of myself.
But the point of me is simply me. There doesn't have to be anything more. Nothing more important or meaningful.
And that's all it takes for me to love myself, take care of myself, live my life like everything is beautiful, everything is something to laugh with and smile at. Because, geez, it is. It's wonderful.
There is bad and there are terrible things and I am not flawless, but choosing to concentrate on the good is a choice and it's a choice I am going to make.
I am not perfect, but I am perfectly made by God, so nothing else matters.
Thank you for reading, and thank you everyone who has been so kind and caring towards me--you don't understand how much it means. I am grateful for you all.
