Day at the Fair

Just as the title implies: yesterday I spent my evening at the Fair, and it was quite an adventure.

I went with my family--meaning my mom, sister, brother, his girlfriend, and both of my grandparents--but ended up finding a group of my lovely friends and exploring with them for a time.

Really the only reason I went was to take pictures.

The last thing I wanted to do was to get out into a huge crowd of people, surrounded by ridiculously loud noises and movements and lights and total chaos and basically the thought was nightmarish to my Asperger's brain.

And indeed it was tough--I didn't ride any rides besides the Ferris Wheel, and that was only to take pictures of all the lights at night from above. You see, I'm also afraid of heights. Extremely so.

I am glad I went, though. It was fun to wander around with my friends, taking pictures of them and I did get a lot of good photographs, I think. If you want to check them out, you may do so at my DeviantArt HERE.

I did get a ton of attention because of my newly dyed hair, including people screaming and shouting to me from across the grounds, and even some people wanting to touch it.

I won a few Ribbons for the Art I
submitted in the Fair!

No, humans of the Earth. It is not a wig. It was not "professionally done" . Basically I wanted a change and my mom spent nearly six hours to get it to look like this.

I don't mind people liking it, obviously. It was just surprising to me to have to talk and interact with so many strangers. Yeah, I know. I sound like such a sheltered little Homeschooler.

But Homeschooling has nothing to do with it. My personality wanted to hide underneath a table and hiss if anyone got too close, but of course that's not socially acceptable, so I had to smile and not flee the scene.

It was all very overwhelming and disorienting and I had to take deep breaths many times, but I made it through the day in one piece, and I'm glad that I did go.

I felt as if I overcame something, though I'm not quite sure what.

I absolutely fell in love with this
little guy! He was the sweetest thing!

I was afraid to go. I've felt like a fragile bit of glass that could break at any minute, so the thought of being around people, having to smile and not promptly lay down and cry was a terrifying one, but I went anyway, and there were no huge episodes.

I kept myself calm, as if I were two people. One part of me was like: "People! Bright lights! Loud noises! I just want to go home! I just want to fall apart!"

But then there was that little shred of the sensible part of me, and I'm not sure how it's still intact, but that was the part that comforted my other half. That said: "It's okay, just a few more hours. Look, the bright lights can be pretty, if you look at them like this. And the loud noises start and stop! The people aren't here to make you uncomfortable. Hold yourself together just a little bit longer!"

And sure enough I did, and I actually enjoyed myself sometimes. I couldn't eat much of anything, sadly, even though the food is one of the greatest things about the Fair. My stomach has been pathetic ever since I started taking that medicine.

I can go an entire day without eating anything, my stomach just numb, no food sounding remotely good at all.

And then that night I will literally eat anything that is around me. I ate two entire chocolate bars and a huge bowl of pasta and it was amazing. I've sort of learned to eat as much as I can when I actually CAN eat, because chances are I won't be able to get myself to eat anything for the rest of the night.

And a quick update on something: whereas last week I was taking half a pill, we've just recently started the whole thing. This means that things are still out of whack, but should hopefully be evening out soon?

I'm not sure. I dunno. Depression sucks, basically.

But, something good that's coming out of the medicine--it's actually sort of doing what it's supposed to be doing!

I've recently gotten a new idea for a story, and the idea of it is actually very exciting to me. I haven't been able to plan much for it, because I haven't been able to sit still and concentrate on one thing for very long, but I have drawn a few sketches of the characters and came up with a basic plot-line.

This may not seem like something special, but considering I went from the girl who created constantly in her mind to the girl who couldn't find motivation to create a single thing, this is something great.

I still haven't been able to read a lot--I've started at least three books and had to set them all down again after a few chapters because I just can't make myself pick them up again.

I've wanted to paint again, and this is rare. My mom bought me a few new canvases and I just haven't found the time to sit down and make something yet, but it's definitively at the top of my list.

I've also been listening to a ridiculous amount of music. I've just created the playlist for this new story filled with my favorite songs, and it ended up being 7 hours long. As you can imagine, I've put it on Shuffle and let it play on repeat more times than I can count.

Music is really something that's helped me. Not in the sense that I relate to songs whose lyrics have inspired me and helped me through hard times, though that has happened sometimes.

I mean that when I'm trying not to think, music is my go-to thing. It fills my head with something other than my own thoughts that have a tendency to stray to places they shouldn't. I hum sometimes if I don't have access to my music and think the lyrics in my head to give me words to focus on that aren't my own.

Safe to say, I've gotten a lot better, but I go back and forth within hours at least ten times. There is no: 'Today was a good day!' or 'Today was a bad day!'

I can go from great to horrible in a matter of seconds, or I can be feeling great for half the day. I'm doing my best to keep it all in the good, but it sways every now and then.

I've wanted to write on here many different times about many different things, so I'll hopefully be getting the determination to write those other posts, but for now:

Thanks for reading!