Old Torture Devices and Anxiety

                Hello friends!

Been  awhile—or has it? 

Ha ha ha ha  I don't know what day it is.

Anyhow, this is just a quick update because, indeed, a bunch has happened.

After going back down to half the antidepressant pill once a day for quite a while, we noticed the awful, awful, awful dreams went away within days, but it seemed as if something was off.

In the morning and through half the day I was fine, but in the afternoons it seemed the Medicine was ‘wearing off’, and it was very inconsistent and unusual.

So back to the Doctors I went, telling them about what was happening. I told them that one day, worse than the rest (at night, of course), I had a total meltdown by feeling overwhelmed. And that’s okay. Except nothing happened in the first place to make me so upset.

I mean, I’m the kind of person that cries when something breaks and who used to refuse to throw away banana peels because it made me too sad. Yeah. I know.

But this was a whirlwind of emotions: first anxiety and fear, then sadness, then anger, mostly because I was feeling all of the previous emotions. I get angry at myself, you see, for crying over little things.

Children cry over the silliest things, don’t they? But at least they are true and honest with their emotions. I am a lot like a child, unable to think rationally about some things.

So the Doctor told me to take half a pill twice a day—one at night, and one halfway through the day.

We've only been trying this for a few days, and though it’s a bit more of a hassle, having to carry the pills with me and remembering to take them on time, I think it’ll be worth it. It’s hard to tell yet, but right now, whereas I would usually be feeling a bit out of sorts, I feel fine. Really really fine.

Also, while listening to my pulse, the Nurse said that she heard an extra beat.

And I was like.

What.

She told me to cough really big and I tried to, but like my lungs are tiny and it turned out pathetic. So out of the room she went and came back with this huge, old machine thing.

Like oh crap.

I know that my heart already is screwed up, but this looks like a torture device.

Turned out it was nothing painful—no needles. Yay! My heartbeat made those little lines on paper, and sure enough the Nurse pointed out an extra beat where there shouldn't be one.

Dang.

She said it was probably from anxiety.

Heck yeah. Obviously.

Truthfully, my depression is not so much the problem anymore—I have anxiety like no bodies business. In fact, that one night when I had the melt down, I figure I was actually having an anxiety attack. Of course I’ve never had one before, but I could very well imagine that was it.

She said it was nothing to be worried about, so at least that’s good.

I had some blood drawn to check something about my thyroid. YAY NEEDLES BLOOD PAIN I LOVE IT.

HAHAHA.

So all in all I’m doing okay. I’m a bit nervous about everything that’s happened and my mind hasn’t stood still in forever, but, hey, just keep going, right?

Thank you all for everything!

Change is Okay

Hello Lovelies!

I've been having good days, ultimately.

I've made a lot of changes in my life over such a short time, and it's sort of blown me away. Part of me wants to stay the same, hold onto things that hurt me just because they're familiar, and continue to be a part of things I don't have a passion for just for the sake of it. Just to make others happy. 

But that's no way to live.

I've chosen to live my life day by day--for me, for God.

I refuse to destroy myself. I refuse to make unimportant things priorities in my life when there is so much more that I am growing interested in. Things that will take me far in life. Things that I want to live with forever.

Safe to say--over the last few months, I've cut out many people that are poison to me, got rid of many things that are hurtful to me, and instead have found new friends, new things to call MINE. New things that are ME, not who I was.

I am not who I was a month ago. Not who I was even a week and a half ago.

I am new and I am better. I am someone I can be proud of. Not someone to be belittled or snuffed out.

I've written out my Kitten Calender, that I'd long since forgotten to keep up with, for this new month. I planned out my exercising and my Blog post days and I've been thinking about many NEW things.

Things that I would have never pursued, had it been before a few months ago. I would have been ashamed and embarrassed and would have thought I wasn't good enough or smart enough to manage it, but with my new found confidence, I couldn't care less if I'm simply doing it for ME.

 Since when was doing something for yourself not a good enough reason,  anyway?

I'm interested in new things--I listen to different music and wear different clothes and treat myself differently. I treat myself better. I've started finding new shows and trying new things.

 I wish to do different things with my future, with my life. 

I am, indeed, a different person, and that's okay.

That's great.

I was not me before. I am finally finding myself. Finally finding something REAL to grow on, to continue to make better.

I am focusing on me and how I can be absolutely the best I can be.

I'm trying--it's an effort, and it's scary sometimes, but it's all worth it.

I ache all over and I've been eating even when I don't feel like it. I fight away my thoughts constantly and it's a big struggle just being me, but I'll fight for it, because I'm worth the extra work.

Basically, I'm proud of myself. Sure, call me self-conceited, but it's actually self-confidence, and we could all use more of that.

Sharing your own opinion and sharing a picture of yourself  and being your own person is considered obnoxious and annoying.

Why the heck?

Just because someone is feeling good about themselves that one day? Just because someone is feeling brave and confident that day?

Does it really hurt you? Really think about it. Does it effect you in ANY WAY if someone makes a statement about their day, posts a picture of themself?

If someone's confidence really does offend you, you might need to sort out your own life.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's harmless. Yet society will tell us that it's wrong. That it's useless and should be hidden away.

And is that not reason enough for depression to strive in this world?

Stop being hateful. Stop hating others. Stop discouraging or stuffing down or making fun.

There's nothing wrong with change and there's nothing wrong with confidence and passion. Embrace it. Love it. And ignore anyone else who would try to pull you back down to their level.

Update on All of the Things

Hello Dears!

The Doctors told us news about the X-Rays: It is a mild case, but we're considering going to a Chiropractor to get a specific percentage.

I usually wouldn't be so insistent on figuring out the details of something that isn't that big of a deal right now, but my back does constantly ache and feels bruised half of the time, and I'd do anything to help it. I've recently been using a heating pad throughout the day, but I can't truly say how much it's helping just yet!

Also I've been doing okay, I guess.

I wouldn't call it a setback, of course, but I am recently more full of stress and anxiety, but this is just me, not really anything to do with depression exactly.

I am constantly trying to calm myself down, because feeling panicked won't help anything, but instead make things worse.

I did briefly want to hurt myself some time ago, and I did, I suppose, but not as bad as before.

This time it was more of an accident, constantly scratching at my wrist, and thankfully I caught myself and the urge went away soon after. I consider it a flare up, powered by strong emotions, mostly, of course, anger.

I've actually realized now, more than ever, that I really do have some anger problems.

This is something I've read in all of the "symptoms" of Aspergers, but never actually thought to apply it to me. I'm the person who will stand with a face of stone and a calm voice through anything. I hate shouting and I hate "explosions" of anger. It just doesn't happen for me.

It did, when I was younger. It was ridiculously bad. But now I don't act on it, so I thought I had no problem with anger.

But though I'm good at keeping my outward appearance calm, inside I realize I get furious quicker than I ought to. It's really a scary thing sometimes.

And especially now in my life I am reacting stronger than ever--with sadness, with anger. Things that I already had trouble with my whole life.

I've never felt weepy or sorrowful when I feel like hurting myself--and it's not even "myself" that I specifically want to hurt.

My first instinctive is to hurt SOMETHING. I feel like erupting right out of my skin, losing my mind. I feel like breaking something, throwing something, destroying something--and since I have enough sense not to do that to other things, I turn to myself, considering it seems to be the only remaining choice. Yes, this also has to do with low self esteem, but also the thought process of 'I'm the only thing I can destroy.'

I also seem to cry when I'm really angry--of course, because I hate the feeling. I hate feeling so out of control, so full of fire, and it just makes me sad. Sad to have to feel those things.

I obviously need to learn better, healthier ways to handle my anger, and to tone it down before it can even be a problem, which is easier said than done.

I fall asleep quickly and stay asleep the whole night, which is good--except the whole night is filled with dreams--or nightmares, more like.

I've been waking up usually the same time everyday now without an alarm, unable to fall asleep again, and when I do my stuffed animals have been kicked around, my sheet's untucked, and I'm dying of heat.

As odd as it is, it seems I've been having multiple nightmares a night, all vivid and all that make me wake up with my heart buried in the ground. One even had me waking up in tears.

I've always had nightmares--for years and years, and I've never had a single nightmare/dream that isn't realistic and strong.

I was thinking earlier how the things that used to scare me when I was little are not the same things that I fear today. Whereas I used to have these sorts of horrible dreams about strangers and monsters and being lost, I now fear people leaving me. I now have nightmares of memories or future events that leave me disoriented and trying to forget them when I wake up.

I'm a natural at active dreaming it seems, even in my sleep.

The genius must be a bit tortured, mustn't they?

We contacted the Doctor about these dreams after they didn't stop afterover a week, and it turns out that it's likely a side effect of the medicine--a not very good sign, it seems. So they told us to go back to half a pill and see if it goes away--we just started doing that last night, so it's hard to say for sure if it's helpful yet.

My cold is finally gone, which really helps things out a lot.

Another thought I had today: isn't it odd how when we are suffering from, say, a cold, we seem to forget what it feels like to be healthy? This may just be me, but it's as if when I'm sick, that's all there is, and I can't tell when I'm better or not.

Indeed it seems to be the same way with suffering from Depression, a just as real illness. I can't remember what "normal" is. What I was like before THIS. What my life was like before I was where I am. I don't remember what it feels like, what it looks like.

Just as with a cold, you get through it one day at a time--sometimes one hour at a time, most days--and you'll get through it in the end, and it feel great to be well again!

Please continue to Pray for me--it means so much to me to have friends and family that are thinking of me and caring about me! Thank you all so much!

A Post About... Love???

Aye, you heard it right.

That was weird I just sounded like a pirate.

Anyway.

Indeed, I'm going to talk about "love" for a little bit.

I recently stumbled upon someone sharing their opinion that unless you are 28 or older, you cannot experience love.

They said that they get sick seeing these young people getting married and claiming to be in love.

As if love is an emotion that gets "unlocked" after you turn 28?

As if, when you hit that age, this vital part of being a human being magically opens your eyes and you're like WOW. I CAN BE IN LOVE NOW.

Oh my gaaaawd I've never heard anything so stupid. Actually I have, but this is right up there with just the stupidest.

Sure, some people fake their love. Sure, some people may not understand the HUGENESS of what saying those words mean.

But don't you DARE say that teenagers and young people are not capable of true, deep love.

You may not see it often but it's still out there, and it's still very much real.

Personally, I encourage teenagers to fall in love. I encourage them to embrace it even if idiots say that they're "too young" to feel these things. Of course, don't go overboard with it, meaning don't be reckless about it, but you can be in a very happy, healthy relationship, and with enough communication and patience, you might just end up marrying that person.

Of course, it could also end in disaster, but could that not also happen after you turn 28? Yes. Yes it could. Being a certain age does not change that. It is all about the person and their maturity and their passion.

I, of course, was in a relationship for two years with someone that I loved with my whole heart. I was very much capable of it, and also capable of seeing my future with this person, and never once doubting if I was "old enough" to love to the extent of my heart.

What happened then? Well, obviously it ended, and I could never fully see just how much I loved until all of that love was broken.

But that's just life. You fall in love and sometimes it doesn't work out. I wouldn't change that time in my life for anything, because I learned so much about myself through it, and now I know who I am better, as odd as it is.

But there is that one person--that one beautiful, shining soul that fits with yours. You might meet them soon, and you might be waiting many years. Either way, it has nothing to do with how OLD you are.

For instance, I know that he's out there for me. The perfect person. I can't say who it is or when I'll find him, but I don't have a doubt in my mind that he's somewhere in the world right this minute.

And that's exciting to think about, don't you agree? Sure, it's a bit sappy and romantic, but what the heck is wrong with that?

I embrace my 'childish' side, considering I was the little girl dreaming of princes and carriages that took me to my big castle with my 'one true love'.

Call me naive, call me clueless, but this is something in my life that I've never given up, not even under my current circumstances.

I was broken, yes, badly. I'm still a little messed up and quite a bit disheveled, but I will never lose my certainty in falling in love again, and it will be just as real and just as beautiful as the first time.

Who knows, I may fall in love many times. I may fall in love just once more. I can't begin to say.

But I am content to wait as long as it takes.

Until the day I meet my own Prince Charming, I will continue to fall helplessly in love with fictional guys, and my own heroic characters who woo my girls in the story with fluffy cat ears or sword skills or endless secrets.

Thank you for reading!