Update on All of the Things

Hello Dears!

The Doctors told us news about the X-Rays: It is a mild case, but we're considering going to a Chiropractor to get a specific percentage.

I usually wouldn't be so insistent on figuring out the details of something that isn't that big of a deal right now, but my back does constantly ache and feels bruised half of the time, and I'd do anything to help it. I've recently been using a heating pad throughout the day, but I can't truly say how much it's helping just yet!

Also I've been doing okay, I guess.

I wouldn't call it a setback, of course, but I am recently more full of stress and anxiety, but this is just me, not really anything to do with depression exactly.

I am constantly trying to calm myself down, because feeling panicked won't help anything, but instead make things worse.

I did briefly want to hurt myself some time ago, and I did, I suppose, but not as bad as before.

This time it was more of an accident, constantly scratching at my wrist, and thankfully I caught myself and the urge went away soon after. I consider it a flare up, powered by strong emotions, mostly, of course, anger.

I've actually realized now, more than ever, that I really do have some anger problems.

This is something I've read in all of the "symptoms" of Aspergers, but never actually thought to apply it to me. I'm the person who will stand with a face of stone and a calm voice through anything. I hate shouting and I hate "explosions" of anger. It just doesn't happen for me.

It did, when I was younger. It was ridiculously bad. But now I don't act on it, so I thought I had no problem with anger.

But though I'm good at keeping my outward appearance calm, inside I realize I get furious quicker than I ought to. It's really a scary thing sometimes.

And especially now in my life I am reacting stronger than ever--with sadness, with anger. Things that I already had trouble with my whole life.

I've never felt weepy or sorrowful when I feel like hurting myself--and it's not even "myself" that I specifically want to hurt.

My first instinctive is to hurt SOMETHING. I feel like erupting right out of my skin, losing my mind. I feel like breaking something, throwing something, destroying something--and since I have enough sense not to do that to other things, I turn to myself, considering it seems to be the only remaining choice. Yes, this also has to do with low self esteem, but also the thought process of 'I'm the only thing I can destroy.'

I also seem to cry when I'm really angry--of course, because I hate the feeling. I hate feeling so out of control, so full of fire, and it just makes me sad. Sad to have to feel those things.

I obviously need to learn better, healthier ways to handle my anger, and to tone it down before it can even be a problem, which is easier said than done.

I fall asleep quickly and stay asleep the whole night, which is good--except the whole night is filled with dreams--or nightmares, more like.

I've been waking up usually the same time everyday now without an alarm, unable to fall asleep again, and when I do my stuffed animals have been kicked around, my sheet's untucked, and I'm dying of heat.

As odd as it is, it seems I've been having multiple nightmares a night, all vivid and all that make me wake up with my heart buried in the ground. One even had me waking up in tears.

I've always had nightmares--for years and years, and I've never had a single nightmare/dream that isn't realistic and strong.

I was thinking earlier how the things that used to scare me when I was little are not the same things that I fear today. Whereas I used to have these sorts of horrible dreams about strangers and monsters and being lost, I now fear people leaving me. I now have nightmares of memories or future events that leave me disoriented and trying to forget them when I wake up.

I'm a natural at active dreaming it seems, even in my sleep.

The genius must be a bit tortured, mustn't they?

We contacted the Doctor about these dreams after they didn't stop afterover a week, and it turns out that it's likely a side effect of the medicine--a not very good sign, it seems. So they told us to go back to half a pill and see if it goes away--we just started doing that last night, so it's hard to say for sure if it's helpful yet.

My cold is finally gone, which really helps things out a lot.

Another thought I had today: isn't it odd how when we are suffering from, say, a cold, we seem to forget what it feels like to be healthy? This may just be me, but it's as if when I'm sick, that's all there is, and I can't tell when I'm better or not.

Indeed it seems to be the same way with suffering from Depression, a just as real illness. I can't remember what "normal" is. What I was like before THIS. What my life was like before I was where I am. I don't remember what it feels like, what it looks like.

Just as with a cold, you get through it one day at a time--sometimes one hour at a time, most days--and you'll get through it in the end, and it feel great to be well again!

Please continue to Pray for me--it means so much to me to have friends and family that are thinking of me and caring about me! Thank you all so much!