It's been incredibly long since I've written a Blog Post due to my habit of making a bunch of crazy videos about writing/reading, which can be found HERE at my Youtube Channel!
I've been having a blast filming and editing those videos, and I've met many great people through it so far, and I can't wait to see where the future of it goes!
But, of course, I've begun to miss expression through the written word, so I decided to write more Blog Posts.
A quick disclaimer: majority of these posts will not be about reading. Or writing. Or books. These are about me and my own story, so if that doesn't suite you feel free to follow the link above and explore all I have to offer on reading and writing and books and such!
Talking about stories is great, don't get me wrong--it's one of my favorite things to do. But this blog is about all aspects of stories, and that includes my own, so I feel no guilt in shaking things up a little bit.
So, I'm going to be real with you. In two different ways.
I'm going to be real meaning out of fiction--out of fantasy and books and all of the magic that comes with it.
I am also going to be real meaning I am going to be... Brutally honest about things.
I have a lot to say, to put it simply. I over-think which means I have heaps and piles of unpoken and unwritten opinions and thoughts that I have never allowed myself to share for many reasons.
The biggest reason is that I consider this a 'Reading/Writing' Blog, and straying from that isn't allowed, but that's just, frankly, stupid.
I made this blog for me. I made this blog to talk about whatever I wanted to, because writing down events and thoughts helps me cope with things.
But I haven't been doing that, because I was so caught up on labeling things. But, basically, forget it. I'm going to talk about what I want to.
So when I first started out this blog, it was to help me express things properly--write them down, store them away, and forget about them.
And now I am writing here because I've gone through crap, and I think a lot, and if I'm keeping the stories of my life to myself then how do I expect to help others?
I hide a lot, basically. And I'm done with that. I keep my problems and my thoughts and my personality and my life to myself, and I'm tired of it. Tired of hiding.
I was put on this Earth to share my experiences, good and bad, great and terrible, to help others and learn from them myself. It's selfish of me to keep hiding, and ultimately I'm just done pretending.
I hate pretending. I hate people who do it, and I hate to think that I do it myself, so I declare: enough.
I have stuff to say, and I am done staying silent.
So I'm going to be honest. Honest about everything. About me and life and who I am and I am doing this for multiple different reasons that will become clear in later Posts.
I admire people who are open and honest. I admire people who understand that, no, their life and their past is not just for themselves to bear and to keep in secret. I firmly believe that God continues to put me through these things so that I may be a living, breathing story, one interesting to read, one that might break your heart, maybe make you laugh. We are all stories and if we are silent, then your just the cover. Not much to look at, right?
And I realized that I am never open. I am never truly honest about who I am.
And, again, I am done pretending.
I've felt fake. I've felt like I'm focusing on my writing and my painting and my drawing that I haven't even stopped to actually think about myself and who I am.
I discovered that I am not the best I can be. Of course I'm not--we as humans should be constantly striving to be greater, make better choices, think wiser.
But right here where I am, I have gone halfway. I have been half a person. I have ignored myself and mistreated myself and basically just destroyed myself without even realizing it.
So that's enough of that.
I tried to describe myself and had a very hard time.
I often do not see myself as exciting or interesting. I am not funny or witty or clever. Perhaps I'm not an entertainer--not someone to want to be around, not someone to admire, not someone that is inspirational.
But, gosh dang it, I can be.
Who we are is %90 up to us, you know that? And I have let myself go. I have not tried to be anyone, let alone a good version of myself, whoever that may be. I can be whoever I want, and I choose to be greater than this, than the silent, distraught person I am now.
And you bet I'm going to share it all with you. With the world. I've hidden myself so much that I lost sight of who I am myself.
I've tried so hard to be people I'm not. I've tried on many hats over the last few months, few weeks, even, countless masks that turned me into different people, none of them that I quite fit into.
Despite this, I've tried to make my writing interesting--my painting, my drawing, my books--I tried to make them all great. Maybe if they are then I am too, right?
Wrong.
So incredibly wrong.
I am going to focus on making myself brilliant--with a personality and traits and quirks that I can be proud of and embrace, not try to snuff out and hide. And, through being a good person, my talents, such as writing and drawing and painting, will become good, too.
I've gotten caught up in every single thing except for the right thing.
I told myself I wanted to do amazing things. But my priority now is to be an amazing person.
At my Funeral when I die in 300 years (Yes this just got morbid fast.), I don't want people to say:
"She accomplished many great things. Published many novels. Was very successful in her wishes."
I want people to say, maybe with a little smile:
"She touched so many hearts with her gentle fingers, and inspired so many souls with her words. She was beautiful not because of any color of her eyes or any curl of her hair--it was like light shone through her everyday, and she never let it dim, not ever. She told stories as if they were real, and like magic she made you believe they were, too!"
I'm not going to do and create great things for other people. I'm going to be great for myself.
Because God doesn't care one bit about how many Followers I have on Youtube, or how many paintings I sell, or what awards I accomplish in my life.
He cares about how bright my light is. And I'm not going to do that through an impressive wall of sketches hidden away in my room. I'm going to do that by being open and honest.
I do not live my life for me. I live my life for Him, and I strongly feel as though I have been called to finally speak.
And it feels so good.
Just writing this, just not caring, just not telling myself 'no one will care' or 'that's too personal!'.
So I hope you don't mind this, but if you do, I, to put it bluntly, don't honestly care.
I'm not being rude. I'm being honest. I will keep my videos on topic of Reading and Writing and such, but I am me and I can't pretend to not be and I will not apologize for it.
Thanks for reading, if you've actually stuck to it this far in, and expect more posts in the near future!
