Where am I?

Hello dears!

Just popping in to say I'm very sorry for not blogging a bunch on here this months--I am participating in NaNoWriMo, AND I'm doing a daily vlog over at my Youtube Channel that you can see HERE!

So that's where I am, folks, but I would like to give a quick update on more personal things here real quick:

I went back to Lebonheurs not too long ago and had to become a robot. Seriously.

There were so many wires hooked up to me I just couldn't even deal. It was like I was a walking machine.

THEN they had me stand up and they started up the TREADMILL. YES. UGH.

So this thing INCLINED WHILE it sped up, so that was ridiculous.

Guesstimate, I was supposed to be able to run for 15 minutes, because of my age, but NOPE. NOPPITY NOPE.

They didn't even let me run longer than six minutes. THE SQUIGGLY LINES WERE OFF THE CHARTS! Literally. Ha.

So that DIDN'T go very well. They put me on medicine immediately to help, and I take it once a day.

Truthfully it doesn't seemed to be helping much. I mean, it probably is, but I sure can't tell.

I've still gotten really out of breath, except it's almost worse than before. I notice it now. I could just be literally laying in bed half asleep or sitting there writing, and I notice it's hard for me to breathe.

Also, walking in general has become a big NO for me. I'm basically bed ridden, but whatever.

At Walmart, I HAVE to be in one of those wheelchairs. It's awful, having to have your family push you around everywhere, but I have to admit it is fun getting to push myself down the isles when they're not paying attention, yelling that "I'm independent!" when in reality I can't even clean my room on my own. Ha. Hilarious.

So I've gotten a bit pathetic, but we've got three appointments schedules.

One is just sort of a check in with my new Doctor, and then another for an MRI, and then one more for the EP study.

Can't say I'm not shaken, but I'm not really scared, believe it or not. Not very anxious or nervous, really. Just sort of mind blown.

Like, this is me. This is my life. This is happening to me. It's hard to comprehend.

It seems like something that I would read or see with someone else. Another life.

But, nope, it's just me, being incredibly careful with myself to keep myself from breaking.

It is a serious thing, and I'm feeling very "egg shell okay", but I'm thankful that it's getting checked so quickly. I can't imagine if we didn't discover this now.

So, that's about it. Feel free to go on my Youtube and check everything out, perhaps SUBSCRIBE AND LIKE THE VIDEOS MAYBE IF YOU WANT TO HA

And I hope you all have a wonderful day!

NANOWRIMO? NANOWRIMO!

THAT'S RIGHT!

NaNoWriMo is upon us, fellow writers, and now we must buy all of the chocolate, apple cider, and tissues to catch our lonely little tears for this month.

HOHBOY.

Last night at Midnight, really exhausted, I managed to write 1,00 words, which I am just not happy with, but I simply passed out.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M WRITING THIS FOR.

I'm writing this post to say that I PLAN to make and upload a video to my Youtube Channel every day throughout November talking about writing, my stats, my process, and a bunch of ridiculous ramblings because my brain is already overflowing and dead at the same time.

WHAT SAY YOU? THIS IS GOING TO BE INSANE

But so is writing 50k in one month, so.

First video will arrive late tonight!

HERE is the link to my Youtube page, and make sure to give me a follow to watch all of the upcoming videos, and have fun awatchin' all of my past videos!

SEE YOU THEN! <3

What a Day...

Hello beautiful people!

It's been awhile again, but I'm here to give a quick update on me, and basically how today went down.

So as you might know I've been having some issues with my heart--very confusing stuff, lots of long words, I dunno.

But I've been waiting for this appointment at Lebonheurs for a long time now, marking down the days with anxiety, dread, maybe a bit of curiosity. I'd never imaged I would go to such a place, and I was very actually calm about it. Calmer than I thought I would be, anyway.

So, living two hours away, I had to wake up ridiculously early and get there on time. Of course I read Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan the whole way there (I'm almost halfway through it!), and trying not to focus on anything at all.

We got there and HOLY CRAP that place is huge. Like, it was so great. There were rainbow colors that lit up as you walked down hallways and huge mosaic birds hanging from the ceiling and giant metallic flowers outside the windows. It was so distracting and pretty, their mission was accomplished--I simply couldn't focus on my nerves thanks to all of the colors!

At least, until we were waiting long after our scheduled time was gone and past and we still sat there. People came and went (some of the conversations we overheard, my GOODNESS), and a ton of adorable kids wandered around, along with some teenagers, including this one guy with incredibly beautiful bright blue eyes, but I'm getting off topic here.

We waited and waited and I was beginning to get shaky and cold and I had to pee like crazy, as per usual when I'm nervous. Ask anyone at the theater what I do right before a show. BATHROOM BREAK.

Finally we got called back there and of course mom came with me because I'm useless at talking and being a human being, and the nurse informed us that our appointment was pushed back because the doctor we were meeting got into a car wreck the day before. Oops. But she said she was more or less fine and that we would like her fill-in as well.

What a way to start the day.

Down halls, I got weighed, checked my height, all that stuff. Then we went into one of the rooms which ironically, had huge pictures of rubber ducks all around the walls.

It's like it was made for me.

Let me just tell you, I am getting real sick of Hospital gowns, but, alas, I seem to never be rid of them.

 They tried to get pictures of my heart, and had the hardest time ever (just as the person did the LAST time I had this done), and it took forever and was painful and I almost launched out of the room. Just. Nopenopenopenope.

Then they did another test, that I literally have no idea what it's even called, but I had also had this done before as well. It was a lot quicker and a lot less painful than the other test, thankfully.

So it's confirmed that I have an extra heartbeat where there shouldn't be one, and my heart is running too fast, but the Doctor said that this can sometimes happen in younger people and he has seen this before in his practice in other kids, and that perhaps it's nothing at all to worry about since there are two kinds of this and I could have the simple one or the complex one. One is treated with lifestyle choices, the other with meds.

There's only one way to tell for sure which type it is. I have to run for my life. Really.

We're scheduling a day to go back up there and have everybody force me onto a treadmill where they shall see whether the extra beat disappears, stays the same, or gets worse when I'm out of breath. Fun. The best thing for me is for it to disappear altogether! That means it's the simple, no-need-to-worry type of heart issues. If it stays the same or gets worse then that means I get to add a new pill to my daily routine!


Also, I am currently strapped up with wires and a blinking thing hooked to the hem of my pants that they gave me to wear for the next twenty four hours. Thank God I get to take it off tomorrow, because this thing is SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND WHEN I GET AN ITCH HA NO. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF FUN.


This is for them to check and see how often the extra beat is over a longer stretch of time, since the tests today showed that it was constant for nearly two hours running with it thumping an extra thump after every second heartbeat.

So, anyway, after we got through the tough part of the day, we got on the the even tougher part of the day:

Going to the mall.

Three hats, a skirt, some shorts, Kindom Hearts pillow case
from my wonderful mom and sister, some Fall perfume,
Kitty ears, box set of Death Note CDs, Big Hero Six shirt,
some Hello Kitty Pocky, little adorable Dumbo and
the wonderful Prince Hans.

I mean, being there wasn't tough at all. I spent way too much money but I regret nothing. It was a wonderful time, overall, but....

PEOPLE.

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE.

THEY AMUSE ME AND TERRIFY ME AND BORE ME ALL AT ONCE.

People and noises and PEOPLE made it tougher than it should be. I had to interact with WAY too many strangers, and I was floundering and nervous and felt like fleeing, but ugh whatever.

Especially this one guy who decided to drag me over to his stand, sit me down, and proceeded to curl my hair with his stupid flat iron to show us how WELL it worked. FOR ONLY 299 DOLLARS. HA OKAY DUDE.

Like literally it's a miracle we ever got out of that place.  He was persistent and no matter how many times we said no thanks he just kept right on talking.

There is a line between being a good salesmen and just being rude! We are not going to spend a ton of money on something that will potentially destroy my hair--as if I would take the time to use it anyway! I appreciate the simply style, and spending three hours curling my hair is NOT it.

Point is--no means no. Just say okay, dude. Stop.

And by the way, I think that when my hair starts SMOKING it's time to leave me the heck alone. I will murder you if you destroy my hair, guy.

I am not even remotely joking.

So that left me flustered and terrified the rest of the evening, being put on the spot and I felt like my face was going to burn off. Also I had a few random curls on one side because he said he wouldn't finish curling the rest unless we bought something. REALLY?

Okay guy. Whatever.

And, besides, your stupid curls fell out after I clawed at them for like thirty seconds. REALLY fine product you got there, especially after you claimed the curls would last for three days.

PEEEEOOOOPLEEEEE!!!! STOP BEING STUUUUPIIIIDDDD!!!

Thanks.

Anyway, today was overwhelming and great, if you can believe it.

I hope you're all having a great night, and I'll see you next time!

Do What You Hate for What You Love

I was trying to explain to my mom and my sister the other day something that I live by:

"Do what you love, or don't do it at all."

I realized that I was right, but still I was wrong.

My sister brought up the point that my dad has to leave for a month at a time for his work, and she was sure he didn't LOVE leaving us. She said that we have to do things that we don't love because that's just life.

And so I finally decided that, due to how life is, we must "do what we love, for what we love."

It's simple, really.

Sure, dad doesn't like leaving us. But he's working hard to earn money for our family. He's doing a job for people he loves.

My brother is having to study for hours at a time, and I'm SURE he doesn't love that, but he's doing it to become a Nurse, which is was drives him.

Point is we make sacrifices for things that we love.

I have to sit down and tear my novels apart piece by piece to edit them. I HATE this.

But why do I do it?

Because getting my books published is a dream of mine, and I will do all of the work I have to do make that reality.

You see?

So I was right in the sense that we don't have to do anything without a reason. Without doing it for someone and, sure, even doing it for yourself is a good enough reason.

If it will make yourself better, then do what it takes.

Whether you enjoy everything you do in life, make sure you or someone you love is gaining from it.

So there was just a thought.

Old Torture Devices and Anxiety

                Hello friends!

Been  awhile—or has it? 

Ha ha ha ha  I don't know what day it is.

Anyhow, this is just a quick update because, indeed, a bunch has happened.

After going back down to half the antidepressant pill once a day for quite a while, we noticed the awful, awful, awful dreams went away within days, but it seemed as if something was off.

In the morning and through half the day I was fine, but in the afternoons it seemed the Medicine was ‘wearing off’, and it was very inconsistent and unusual.

So back to the Doctors I went, telling them about what was happening. I told them that one day, worse than the rest (at night, of course), I had a total meltdown by feeling overwhelmed. And that’s okay. Except nothing happened in the first place to make me so upset.

I mean, I’m the kind of person that cries when something breaks and who used to refuse to throw away banana peels because it made me too sad. Yeah. I know.

But this was a whirlwind of emotions: first anxiety and fear, then sadness, then anger, mostly because I was feeling all of the previous emotions. I get angry at myself, you see, for crying over little things.

Children cry over the silliest things, don’t they? But at least they are true and honest with their emotions. I am a lot like a child, unable to think rationally about some things.

So the Doctor told me to take half a pill twice a day—one at night, and one halfway through the day.

We've only been trying this for a few days, and though it’s a bit more of a hassle, having to carry the pills with me and remembering to take them on time, I think it’ll be worth it. It’s hard to tell yet, but right now, whereas I would usually be feeling a bit out of sorts, I feel fine. Really really fine.

Also, while listening to my pulse, the Nurse said that she heard an extra beat.

And I was like.

What.

She told me to cough really big and I tried to, but like my lungs are tiny and it turned out pathetic. So out of the room she went and came back with this huge, old machine thing.

Like oh crap.

I know that my heart already is screwed up, but this looks like a torture device.

Turned out it was nothing painful—no needles. Yay! My heartbeat made those little lines on paper, and sure enough the Nurse pointed out an extra beat where there shouldn't be one.

Dang.

She said it was probably from anxiety.

Heck yeah. Obviously.

Truthfully, my depression is not so much the problem anymore—I have anxiety like no bodies business. In fact, that one night when I had the melt down, I figure I was actually having an anxiety attack. Of course I’ve never had one before, but I could very well imagine that was it.

She said it was nothing to be worried about, so at least that’s good.

I had some blood drawn to check something about my thyroid. YAY NEEDLES BLOOD PAIN I LOVE IT.

HAHAHA.

So all in all I’m doing okay. I’m a bit nervous about everything that’s happened and my mind hasn’t stood still in forever, but, hey, just keep going, right?

Thank you all for everything!